If your child or teen’s behaviour is unusual or more difficult recently as school is starting, instead of worrying about their behaviour, look for how the structures that usually keep them feeling safe have been disrupted.
The new school year can be fraught with anxiety-producing situations for all kids, especially our sensitive kids. But this year with a pandemic, it’s even more so.
Stressors for school kids during COVID-19
Kids are facing all of the usual issues, such as:
- What will my new teacher be like?
- What will everyone be wearing?
- Will I get to be in the same class as my best friend? Or will I have any friends?
And now on top of that,
- They have less freedom to connect with their usual friends because of designated learning groups
- Some friends may not be returning to in-school learning because of a vulnerable family member at home. My son recently learned that a friend of his won’t be coming to school at this time for that reason, and he was quite disappointed.
- Teachers and students wearing masks covering their facial expressions. Expressions are part of what’s called the “social engagement system.” When that system is blocked it’s harder to communicate friendliness. This can cause anxiety, especially for younger kids, and makes it harder for kids of all ages to make friends.
- Social/physical distancing can trigger our nervous systems to be on alert. This is especially true if some of the people around us are nervous and avoidant, and it happens automatically without our conscious awareness. Adults might understand this behaviour but it’s harder for children to recognize why they’re anxious–they just act out.
- In general, there’s a sense of hyper-vigilance in the air. We check the news regularly, stay up to date on the pandemic, check on the number of local cases, and find the most current recommendations for staying safe. Our kids feel the stress of this.
How COVID-19 impacts the nervous system
All those things can leave our kids a bit more on edge, and when the nervous system is more activated in that way, it can result in:
- Less patience
- A tendency to be triggered or raise your voice more easily (for both our kids and us!)
- More tantrums, emotional outbursts, or “fussiness”
- Sleeping poorly, especially if anxious
- A change in eating patterns
A little note on this last point. I noticed a change in eating patterns over the past couple of days with my 16yo. He’s craving and eating more sugar and carbs, and less interested in vegetables. When I mentioned it this morning, he reminded me that he did this last year when he started the new year at school as well, and reassured me it’ll sort out within a couple of weeks.
Tips for parents in these stressful times
What can you do to support your child and yourself?
- Remember that when they’re impatient or have outbursts more easily, the best way to calm them is to reassure them that you understand, you’re there for them, and it’s okay. It’s important to have a calm voice when you do this.
- Take enough time for yourself, daily, to check in with your body and find your inner calm. Be regular about doing your practices to keep your system calm and regulated, whether that’s walking, yoga, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, or talking with a friend. I’ve started taking a few minutes before my son comes home from school to do a couple of yoga poses and reconnect with my body and my own grounding.
- Stay connected: When they come home from school, it’s tempting to ask questions. Because, of course, you’re interested in their day and how things went. But questions don’t help us connect, and if your child or teen answers with one word answers rather than engaging with you, try a connecting statement instead—a statement that shows them you care and are paying attention to them and the details of their life, but doesn’t put them on the spot or demand anything of them the way a question does. Use one of these statements, or another one that feels genuine, with caring and without expectation for a response.
- I was thinking about you this morning when you were in your new class.
- I’m happy to see you!
- I remember last night you were pretty worried about what your new teacher would be like.
- You look happy to be home.
- You look tired, as if it’s been a long day.
- Keep as many of your home routines “normal” as you can
- Let go of a few responsibilities, if you can, and make sure to have some fun together on the weekends. Playing and humor activate the part of the nervous system that helps us feel safe.
- Consider lowering your expectations for behaviour in situations where safety isn’t a factor, until the kids get settled in for the new year.
As you go through these next few months, the bond of trust you have with your child will hold them steady despite the stress. It’s their ability to trust you that helps your kids to feel safe enough to manage their emotions and eventually their behavior. And that’s what will get you and your family through this with your connections to each other intact, and enable them to feel secure enough to do some meaningful learning this year.